Still Falling

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 19:57:27 GMT

I made a choice today that I will regret for the rest of my life. But it was the only real choice I could make.
It hurts a lot but not as much as it should
I really am starting to get numb.
Watching it burn and fall apart
fuck it

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 19:01:20 GMT

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It's all a big joke, and it ain't funny

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 17:59:05 GMT

So I'm back online after a lengthy absence I don't even know where to begin.
One thing is for certain though, the further I fall down this spiral the more assured I am that there is a cataclysmic crash awaiting me at the bottom.
So many sins, so many wrongs, so many kindnesses unreturned, so many abuses little and great and throughout it all there is this constant wave of deception after deception.
What is it that keeps us from being honest with one another and more importantly even with ourselves. None of us are so noble and righteous in the flesh as we perceive ourselves to be. All logic refutes such a perfection from ever being attainable yet we believe ourselves to be the hero of the tale, the mighty protagonist invincible and gallant.
But we turn a weary, bloodshot eye to the mirror and find a pathetic, shriveled wretch. Eyes shift for the place to put the knife before they can be seen for what they really are.
I look into the mirror.
I am a liar many times over as much as I profess to be all about honesty, I weave the webs of deception with the best of them.
I trust no one. Eventually they know I don't trust them and in turn place their trust elsewhere.
The seemingly solid bond begins to wither and rot. The calls come fewer and further between. Memories fade. Life goes on
I feel hollow inside. Every time I have tried to be better, to make something pure and right I have failed. I fail because I don't notice when she cuts her hair. I fail because I starve for connection, I push, I become overbearing I smother and suffocate.
I am aware of these things and I fail to change them. I cannot be the hero. The hero is perfect.
I feel I deserve to suffer. I inflict it upon myself from behind my own back and in 31 years I have been powerless to stop it. Time and time again I make the same mistakes. I feel I am above most people, that is one of my biggest problems. I have a superior intellect which has bred an enormous ego. I am not Hercules, I told you I'm not the hero. I can't move the weight alone. And they all say they want to help.
Sweet words. pretty smiles. The stink of lies flows from their lips. It sickens me.
People sicken me.
I'm about done is all.
I might come back, I might not. Internet isn't exactly a priority these days.

It would be so easy to just knock back a bottle of vodka and walk in front of a train. Get good insurance, daughter never has to worry about money. I was not allowed to be a part of her life for seven fucking years anyways and yeah we get along ok now but it's not like it should have been. But whatever, that's the hand life dealt me.
But I just won't do it. I deserve to suffer. I won't deliver myself, it's not my call.If there is a god and heaven and hell and all that well
I earned my spot in hell a lot of times over. The shit I did keeps me awake a lot of nights. It's what makes me such a psycho.
I can't help it, PTSD is a bitch.
But I should at least roll the dice one more time on not burning forever for being such a bastard.
Maybe if I live long enough I'll find that purpose. That reason that I had to crawl through hell to get here.
Suicide is for little bitches anyways.
Fuck you, Life, you're taking me down with my hands around your throat in a death grip.

chaosphoenix_78

Still Falling

It's all a big joke, and it ain't funny